my post today feels like what i need to tell myself most: it’s ok not to do. you don’t have to have it all worked out. it’s ok not to have a plan. to sit there bored and restless for a moment. for most of human history, it must have been like that. we didn’t have access to everything, all the time, like we do now. these moments of non-doing are a luxury, even when they feel like their own kind of turmoil.
the discomfort of stillness
stillness can feel uncomfortable because, when we stop, the things we’ve been running from have a chance to catch up to us. maybe that’s why so many of us keep searching for the thing that will finally make us face ourselves — the perfect retreat, the right medicine, the breakthrough moment. but what i’ve learned is that shortcuts don’t work.
what actually works then?
that’s the question i get asked — and ask — most. recently, a client told me her GP had suggested 5 grams of mushrooms might help her. he didn’t consider her fragile state, and i doubt it would have helped. i know people who’ve taken plant medicines for decades — and if anything, some are worse off. not because there is anything wrong with psychedelics, but because they weren’t willing to do what even a big dose of mushrooms can’t do for you: look at yourself honestly.
meet yourself as you are. not even the strongest ayahuasca or a month-long silent retreat can make you do that. our defences are sophisticated. when we don’t want to look, we won’t. we need to work with our defensive system creatively, so that staying present with ourselves becomes more like an art form than a chore.
a simple practice
so in that light, here’s a small practice: waste some time with music. i love to meditate. i’m pretty sure now that if i don’t do it, something feels off in my day. but some days, i forget there are many ways to meditate. i forget that i can make meditation out of other things. take music, for example. i finish my day and ask myself, what now? what should i do with this “off” moment? sometimes i even put pressure on myself to spend it well. i imagine yoga or tai chi—something noble. but let’s be honest: that’s not what i’m doing. and probably not what i’ll be doing tomorrow either. so maybe i can just take it easy. what would that even look like?
firstly: not doing. always my starting point. just stop. stop the thought about what you ought to be doing. then it occurs to me: put some music on. and do nothing else but listen to one track. when did you last do that? for me, it feels like ages since i’ve done nothing but listen to one piece of music. that’s why i think it’s a meditation. and actually, a very good use of time. number one—it’s hard to do. ask around. how many people can actually sit and do this? we’re all addicted to being distracted. it’s the state of the world. everybody act busy!
so here’s my suggestion: waste your time with music. here’s a piece i enjoy so much: Hania Rani – On Giacometti (Official Album Video)
the meditation is simple: stay with the music, and notice your body. and feel the last note fade into the quiet, leaving you with nothing to do but breathe.