When we think of exiles, they can feel distant and hard to grasp—and that’s exactly the point. The defining feature of exiles is that we are out of touch with them.
However, I want you to see it from the perspective of everything being connected. It’s not as if, by contacting a protective part, we aren’t also touching an exiled part. Whether they know it or not, all our parts are deeply interconnected, even when they seem opposed to each other. They are part of the same system, and it’s our job to bring Self energy to remind them of that connection.
This week, try to make your exiles more tangible. They don’t need to be extreme for you to notice them. Just be willing to meet what’s there a little more, as your protectors step back. This might look like spending an extra minute with a sensation, feeling, or thought you would usually try to avoid. The Enneagram can help point us in the right direction, but once you arrive, the task is to stay present with the raw data of experience—without getting caught up in the story you’re telling about it.
Think of it like velcro: our stories and thoughts are often stuck to the sensations or energies in the body. For example, “Oh no, it’s that terrible tiredness again, I can’t take it anymore” is a story attached to a sensation. What we want to do is relax the story, come into the body, and, little by little, experience the energy of whatever is there—without interference. Simply notice it, and, if possible, stay curious. If you find it hard to do this, it likely means there’s a part you need to unblend from first. Half the job of unblending is recognising the part that doesn’t want to let you in. We might ask that part what its afraid of, and see if it will give you space.
These are a few impressions of exiles by Alicia Larsen Dabney. Take a look through them and see if any move. You also may want to experiment with sketching/ drawing some of your own.
What are Exiles in IFS terms ?
In IFS, exiles develop as a result of painful or overwhelming experiences, especially when others around us couldn’t handle our vulnerability, vitality, or emotional outbursts. These parts are hidden away as a survival strategy to protect us from further rejection or shame.
Exiles are parts of the self that carry vulnerable or traumatic memories, often linked to times when we were unable to express ourselves without consequences. They hold onto painful emotions like fear, shame, or sadness that weren’t accepted by others.
Reasons for Exiling:
- Vulnerability Rejected: Sometimes, when we showed vulnerability—such as sadness, fear, or neediness—caretakers or peers might have been uncomfortable or bothered by it. As a result, we learned to exile these vulnerable parts, fearing that showing our true emotions would lead to rejection or discomfort in others.
- Vitality Suppressed: Other times, our natural vitality—expressing joy, energy, or enthusiasm—might have disturbed or overwhelmed those around us. Caretakers or peers might have seen our aliveness as too much, leading us to exile those vibrant parts in order to fit in and avoid being a source of discomfort.
- Hurting & Rejected for Behaviour: When we were hurt and didn’t know how to manage our emotions, we might have displayed behaviours that triggered or disturbed others—or even ourselves. These behaviours, like lashing out or withdrawing, became further sources of shame, reinforcing the exile of the underlying hurt part.
Burdens
Burdens are the negative beliefs and emotions carried by exiles, shaped by early experiences of rejection or discomfort from others. These burdens are not inherent, but are taken on because the exile had to cope with the environment’s inability to accept their true feelings or expressions.
- Common Burdens:
- After being dismissed for showing vulnerability, the exile might carry the belief: “My emotions are too much for others” or “If I show how I feel, I will be abandoned.”
- When vitality was suppressed, the burden might be: “I need to dim my light to be accepted” or “My excitement is a problem for others.”
- If behaviours from emotional pain triggered others, the burden might be: “There’s something wrong with me because I upset others” or “I’m dangerous when I express myself.”
Witnessing
Witnessing is the process by which the Self—a compassionate, non-judgmental core within each of us—acknowledges and listens to the exiled parts’ pain. This step is essential for healing because it allows exiles to express their suppressed emotions without fear of rejection or shame.
- Witnessing the Exile’s Pain:
- When an exile feels witnessed, they can express how they were dismissed or shamed for showing their vulnerability. This is a chance for the Self to acknowledge that their vulnerability was valid, and that it wasn’t their fault others couldn’t handle it.
- For those who exiled their vitality, the Self can witness their energy and enthusiasm, showing them that their aliveness is not too much—that it was simply the environment that couldn’t hold it.
- For exiles burdened with shame from triggering others, witnessing allows them to release the guilt for behaviours that emerged from deep pain. The Self offers compassion for the fact that these behaviours were survival mechanisms, not flaws.
Through this process:
- Exiles that carry rejected vulnerability, vitality, or shameful behaviours can be witnessed with compassion.
- Burdens like “I’m too much” or “I’m dangerous” can be released, freeing the exiles from the weight of past experiences.
- Witnessing by the Self creates a space where these exiled parts no longer have to hide, allowing for healing and integration of those essential, authentic parts of the self.
This approach helps to reclaim those aspects of ourselves that were previously hidden or rejected, allowing for greater wholeness and emotional freedom.