Category: Practice

When we think of exiles, they can feel distant and hard to grasp—and that’s exactly the point. The defining feature of exiles is that we are out of touch with them.

However, I want you to see it from the perspective of everything being connected. It’s not as if, by contacting a protective part, we aren’t also touching an exiled part. Whether they know it or not, all our parts are deeply interconnected, even when they seem opposed to each other. They are part of the same system, and it’s our job to bring Self energy to remind them of that connection.

This week, try to make your exiles more tangible. They don’t need to be extreme for you to notice them. Just be willing to meet what’s there a little more, as your protectors step back. This might look like spending an extra minute with a sensation, feeling, or thought you would usually try to avoid. The Enneagram can help point us in the right direction, but once you arrive, the task is to stay present with the raw data of experience—without getting caught up in the story you’re telling about it.

Think of it like velcro: our stories and thoughts are often stuck to the sensations or energies in the body. For example, “Oh no, it’s that terrible tiredness again, I can’t take it anymore” is a story attached to a sensation. What we want to do is relax the story, come into the body, and, little by little, experience the energy of whatever is there—without interference. Simply notice it, and, if possible, stay curious. If you find it hard to do this, it likely means there’s a part you need to unblend from first. Half the job of unblending is recognising the part that doesn’t want to let you in. We might ask that part what its afraid of, and see if it will give you space.

These are a few impressions of exiles by Alicia Larsen Dabney. Take a look through them and see if any move. You also may want to experiment with sketching/ drawing some of your own.

What are Exiles in IFS terms ?

In IFS, exiles develop as a result of painful or overwhelming experiences, especially when others around us couldn’t handle our vulnerability, vitality, or emotional outbursts. These parts are hidden away as a survival strategy to protect us from further rejection or shame.

Exiles are parts of the self that carry vulnerable or traumatic memories, often linked to times when we were unable to express ourselves without consequences. They hold onto painful emotions like fear, shame, or sadness that weren’t accepted by others.

Reasons for Exiling:

• Vulnerability Rejected: Sometimes, when we showed vulnerability—such as sadness, fear, or neediness—caretakers or peers might have been uncomfortable or bothered by it. As a result, we learned to exile these vulnerable parts, fearing that showing our true emotions would lead to rejection or discomfort in others.
• Vitality Suppressed: Other times, our natural vitality—expressing joy, energy, or enthusiasm—might have disturbed or overwhelmed those around us. Caretakers or peers might have seen our aliveness as too much, leading us to exile those vibrant parts in order to fit in and avoid being a source of discomfort.
• Hurting & Rejected for Behaviour: When we were hurt and didn’t know how to manage our emotions, we might have displayed behaviours that triggered or disturbed others—or even ourselves. These behaviours, like lashing out or withdrawing, became further sources of shame, reinforcing the exile of the underlying hurt part.

Burdens

Burdens are the negative beliefs and emotions carried by exiles, shaped by early experiences of rejection or discomfort from others. These burdens are not inherent, but are taken on because the exile had to cope with the environment’s inability to accept their true feelings or expressions.

• Common Burdens:
  • After being dismissed for showing vulnerability, the exile might carry the belief: “My emotions are too much for others” or “If I show how I feel, I will be abandoned.”
  • When vitality was suppressed, the burden might be: “I need to dim my light to be accepted” or “My excitement is a problem for others.”
  • If behaviours from emotional pain triggered others, the burden might be: “There’s something wrong with me because I upset others” or “I’m dangerous when I express myself.”

Witnessing

Witnessing is the process by which the Self—a compassionate, non-judgmental core within each of us—acknowledges and listens to the exiled parts’ pain. This step is essential for healing because it allows exiles to express their suppressed emotions without fear of rejection or shame.

• Witnessing the Exile’s Pain:
  • When an exile feels witnessed, they can express how they were dismissed or shamed for showing their vulnerability. This is a chance for the Self to acknowledge that their vulnerability was valid, and that it wasn’t their fault others couldn’t handle it.
  • For those who exiled their vitality, the Self can witness their energy and enthusiasm, showing them that their aliveness is not too much—that it was simply the environment that couldn’t hold it.
  • For exiles burdened with shame from triggering others, witnessing allows them to release the guilt for behaviours that emerged from deep pain. The Self offers compassion for the fact that these behaviours were survival mechanisms, not flaws.

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Through this process:

• Exiles that carry rejected vulnerability, vitality, or shameful behaviours can be witnessed with compassion.
• Burdens like “I’m too much” or “I’m dangerous” can be released, freeing the exiles from the weight of past experiences.
• Witnessing by the Self creates a space where these exiled parts no longer have to hide, allowing for healing and integration of those essential, authentic parts of the self.

This approach helps to reclaim those aspects of ourselves that were previously hidden or rejected, allowing for greater wholeness and emotional freedom.

This week the main project is simply to witness and name your firefighting activities. You might bring  them in to your writing, and get curious about what they do for you, and when they get activated.

The aim is not to reach some perfect place where we never watch Netflix again!  Its moderation and balance that we’re aiming for. So keep a look out for when you see your firefighters  in more extreme roles. Sometime its subtle, not so easy to see how you just lost 15 mins on Instagram,  or got  lost  in meaningless activity, people or food. There are countless ways they operate. But all with the same directive – make you feel better,  take you away from what you don’t want to experience  or feel.

Recap on protectors and firefighter in the words of lead trainer in IFS, Tamala Floyd.

“When we are born, our parts are in their natural state. In most cases, they are not burdened. They can express the full nature of who they are: playful, curious, calm, free, loving, to name a few. However, as children, when our needs for attention, affection, acceptance, and nurturance go unmet, are made fun of, or are denied, our natural ways of being become exiled. We learn that it isn’t safe to be fully who we are. We learn that parts of us are unlovable, not good enough, shameful, and should be hidden. Parts take on roles to protect us from feeling these strong feelings of worthlessness. They do this in one of two ways: They keep us from experiencing the strong feelings by controlling everything they can, keeping us too busy, focused on other things, or distracted to feel our unmet needs. Or, when something in our life triggers our feelings of not-good-enough or shame, parts swoop in to douse the severity of these feelings with intense distractions to take the attention off the emotional pain. We call both these types of parts “protectors.” Some protectors protect in a proactive way to keep us feeling secure and from feeling pain and vulnerability. These are called managers because their role is to manage our lives so as to protect us from pain. These parts make a vow to work relentlessly so we never experience the hurt we felt before they took on the job of protecting us.

Carefree exiled her innate nature when she believed it was no longer valued. She searched around her to find what was of value and discovered that those closest to Carefree—her parents, teachers, and relatives—liked her most when she fit their ideal of her. By pleasing others, Carefree did not have to feel the pain of not being good enough. Her true self felt not enough to receive the love and attention from those most important to her. To ensure she didn’t have to feel that pain, she became what others needed and expected, and in return she received love and approval. Carefree decided that if she couldn’t be accepted and loved for who she was, she would contort herself into someone others couldn’t help but love, accept, and approve of. Here are a few examples of how managers operate. Parts may have learned to protect by being high-achieving, depressed, or perfect.

The high-achieving part may believe that the only way to have value is to out-achieve everyone else, and if the person receives praise for the strategies of this part, the part’s beliefs and behaviors are rewarded. A part that is depressed may remain in a state of hopelessness to protect the system from feeling something worse, like shame. Another way managers may protect us from feeling inadequate is by pursuing perfection. The perfectionistic part may believe that if it does everything perfectly, we will always feel good enough and we won’t have to experience the pain connected to feelings of worthlessness. The parts in these examples use these strategies as an attempt to protect us by managing and controlling the external environment, people, and situations to ensure that the parts of us who have been wounded are not hurt again. We also have parts that protect in a reactive manner by extinguishing the pain once we are already experiencing it. We call these parts firefighters.

Behaviours, beliefs, and strategies they have developed are automatic, and they believe there are no alternatives. These reactive parts use tactics like dissociation, overeating, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts or actions because anything, even if it hurts us in some way, is better than the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. When vulnerability is expressed, a reactive part may employ dissociation to take us away from feeling exposed. In the part’s mind, it is more desirable to be mentally whisked away from a situation than to risk emotional exposure or harm. Another shutdown tactic of reactive firefighter parts is self-harm. When the pain of wounded parts gets triggered, a part who uses self-harm may spring into action. The focus is immediately drawn away from emotional pain to the activity of harming the body. In a more extreme case, parts with suicidal thoughts/ actions are protecting us too. Although this sounds counterintuitive, these parts remind us that if the pain becomes unbearable, we have a way out. The irony of parts with suicidal behaviours is they do not want us to die. They want the pain of living to cease and have no idea how to make that happen other than to kill us.

1. Reaction Formation (Type 1: The Reformer/Perfectionist)

• Defence Mechanism: Reaction formation involves acting in the opposite way of how one truly feels, especially with impulses that seem morally wrong or “imperfect.”
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters help by overcompensating with strict adherence to rules or perfection, avoiding unacceptable impulses. Sometimes, they may use distractions like alcohol to relieve the intense pressure of being “perfect.”
• Example: A person feels frustrated or angry but acts overly accommodating to maintain their sense of moral superiority. Later, they might drink alcohol to relax and escape the rigid standards they impose on themselves.

2. Repression (Type 2: The Helper)

• Defence Mechanism: Repression involves denying or pushing down personal needs and desires to focus on the needs of others.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters repress feelings of neediness or selfishness, ensuring the Type 2 focuses on caregiving. To avoid dealing with their own unmet emotional needs, they may use sugar or sweet foods as a way to distract themselves and feel comfort.
• Example: A person is exhausted but represses their own needs to care for others. Later, they might indulge in sweets or comfort foods to soothe themselves, masking their feelings of being emotionally drained or unloved.

3. Identification (Type 3: The Achiever)

• Defence Mechanism: Identification involves over-identifying with a role or persona, avoiding feelings of inadequacy by becoming the image of success.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters push the Type 3 to focus obsessively on achievement and success to avoid confronting feelings of worthlessness. They might use excessive work or caffeine to maintain their productivity and avoid facing deeper insecurities.
• Example: A person feels anxious about not being enough but channels this into working overtime and drinking large amounts of coffee or energy drinks to sustain the pace, avoiding downtime where feelings of inadequacy might surface.

4. Introjection (Type 4: The Individualist)

• Defence Mechanism: Introjection involves taking on negative emotions or judgments from others, internalising them as personal flaws.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters step in by amplifying melancholy or dramatic emotional responses, distancing the individual from external criticism. They might use music, art, or excessive daydreaming to escape from feelings of worthlessness or rejection.
• Example: A person feels rejected or misunderstood but instead of confronting these emotions, they retreat into listening to melancholic music or creating dramatic art to express their inner turmoil and reinforce their sense of being special in their suffering.

5. Isolation (Type 5: The Investigator)

• Defence Mechanism: Isolation means cutting off from emotions and others to avoid feeling overwhelmed or intruded upon.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters encourage intellectual pursuits or extreme solitude to keep the person from confronting emotional needs or intimacy. They might binge-watch documentaries, deep-dive into research, or lose themselves in reading to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• Example: A person avoids dealing with an emotionally charged conversation by retreating into an intellectual rabbit hole—reading or watching documentaries for hours—effectively distancing themselves from any emotional involvement.

6. Projection (Type 6: The Loyalist)

• Defence Mechanism: Projection involves attributing internal fears and doubts to external threats, avoiding feelings of internal insecurity.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters constantly scan the environment for potential threats or safety concerns, protecting the Type 6 from confronting their inner anxiety. They might use obsessive planning, over-researching, or even conspiracy theories to distract from their underlying fears.
• Example: A person feels anxious about their relationship but, instead of recognising their own insecurities, they begin obsessively researching all the ways relationships can fail, convinced that there’s an external threat they must prepare for.

7. Rationalisation (Type 7: The Enthusiast)

• Defence Mechanism: Rationalisation involves justifying impulsive actions to avoid confronting underlying pain or discomfort.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters encourage the Type 7 to stay busy, using distractions like travel, food, or spontaneous activities to avoid emotional pain. They might use shopping, travel planning, or trying out new experiences to numb the discomfort.
• Example: A person feels lonely but instead of sitting with that feeling, they plan a spontaneous vacation or go on a shopping spree, convincing themselves that they’re just “enjoying life” rather than avoiding their underlying sadness.

8. Denial (Type 8: The Challenger)

• Defence Mechanism: Denial involves rejecting vulnerability or weakness, often focusing on control and power.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters reinforce strength and control to protect against feelings of helplessness or vulnerability. They might use excessive exercise, intense work routines, or even aggressive behaviours to avoid acknowledging any weakness.
• Example: A person who feels emotionally hurt in a relationship might refuse to acknowledge their vulnerability and instead work out intensely at the gym or throw themselves into competitive activities, denying any emotional pain.

9. Narcotization (Type 9: The Peacemaker)

• Defence Mechanism: Narcotisation involves numbing out or avoiding discomfort by engaging in routine, mindless, or comforting activities.
• IFS Firefighter Role: Firefighters encourage activities that numb the Type 9, like binge-watching TV, overeating, or procrastination, to avoid dealing with conflict or inner tension.
• Example: A person avoids confronting an important issue in their relationship by binge-watching TV shows or snacking on comfort foods, numbing themselves from the discomfort of potential conflict.

Robert Greene, a renowned author known for his influential works on strategy, power, and human behaviour, including The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction, has emphasised the importance of social intelligence throughout his writings. He argues that mastering social dynamics is essential for everyone, we’re social creatures and in order survive (and thrive!) in the world, we must develop our social intelligence. According to him, understanding human nature and interpersonal cues allows you to navigate complex relationships with finesse, avoid manipulation, and become more effective in achieving your goals.

The key step to developing social intelligence, as Greene highlights, is learning to observe others without judgment. Our narcissistic like tendencies often keep us focused on our own needs and desires. To become more socially intelligent—or from an IFS perspective, for our managers to express themselves in healthier ways—the solution is simpler than you might think: become genuinely interested in other people. Listen more, ask questions, and cultivate true curiosity about their worldview. What follows are Hornevian styles, or the different ways our managers try to get what they want.

These social styles are inspired by Karen Horney, a prominent 20th-century psychoanalyst, who developed a theory of personality emphasising how social and cultural factors shape our behaviour and self-concept. One of her significant contributions is her theory of social styles (or interpersonal orientations), which describe the ways individuals cope with the challenges and demands of life. These are personality strategies that reflect how we navigate social spaces to get what we want.

Horney identified three primary social styles, each reflecting a different approach to managing interpersonal relationships and achieving a sense of security:

1. Moving Toward People (Compliant Type): People with this style seek approval, love, and acceptance from others. They often strive to please and conform to the expectations of those around them, trying to avoid conflict and gain support. This style is characterized by a need for affection and a tendency to be overly dependent on others for validation and security.
2. Moving Against People (Aggressive Type): Individuals with this orientation adopt a more assertive or competitive stance. They may display aggression, dominance, and a need to control their environment to feel secure. This style often involves striving for power and success, with a focus on winning and maintaining a position of strength. People with this orientation might struggle with vulnerability and often view relationships in terms of power dynamics.
3. Moving Away from People (Detached Type): Those who adopt this style tend to withdraw from others and seek self-sufficiency. They often value independence and may prioritise personal space and autonomy over close relationships. This style is characterised by a desire to avoid emotional involvement and dependency, leading to a more solitary or reserved approach to life.

Enneagram type groupings

Assertive Types (3, 7, 8) – Moving Against People

These types cope by asserting themselves in the world, actively seeking to shape their environment and take control of their circumstances. They manage vulnerability by adopting a stance of strength, pushing against challenges, and driving toward goals.

Type 3: The Achiever

Type 3 embodies assertive style by focusing on external success and image. Threes move against the world by striving to achieve and stand out through accomplishments. Their core belief is that their value comes from what they do, so they continually push themselves to reach the top. However, this assertiveness is driven by a need to avoid failure and maintain control over how they are perceived.

• Key Social Style: Assertiveness comes from constantly seeking recognition, moving forward with relentless ambition to control their image and avoid being seen as inadequate.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Sevens express the assertive style by constantly seeking new experiences and excitement. Their strategy is to avoid discomfort by staying on the move, filling life with stimulation and options. They assert themselves through their optimism and energy, pushing away constraints and potential pain. Their drive to assert freedom and avoid limitations shows a kind of boldness in navigating life, though it is also a way to avoid deeper feelings.

• Key Social Style: Assertiveness manifests as an optimistic drive to experience life fully, moving against boredom or suffering by seeking pleasure and freedom.

Type 8: The Challenger

Type 8 is the quintessential assertive type. Eights move against the world by asserting power and control, seeking to protect themselves and others from harm. This behaviour is rooted in a deep need to avoid vulnerability. Eights challenge the environment head-on, positioning themselves as leaders or defenders, believing that only through strength and direct action can they maintain security.

• Key Social Style: Assertiveness is direct, powerful, and sometimes confrontational, with a belief that controlling the environment is the only way to stay safe.

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Compliant Types (1, 2, 6) – Moving Toward People

These types manage stress by aligning with external expectations, seeking approval, and maintaining loyalty to others. Their orientation is toward pleasing or conforming in order to gain security or love.

Type 1: The Reformer

Type 1 expresses compliance through a commitment to doing what is “right.” Ones move toward others by following rules and high standards, believing that adhering to a moral or ethical code will earn them approval and maintain order. Their compliant nature is a way to avoid criticism and inner turmoil, as they seek validation through perfectionism.

• Key Social Style: Compliance manifests as an alignment with ideals and a drive to meet external (or self-imposed) standards, believing that only through correctness can they gain approval.

Type 2: The Helper

For Type 2, compliance comes through a focus on pleasing others and earning love through service. Twos move toward people by anticipating and meeting their needs, often suppressing their own desires. Their compliant strategy stems from a belief that they must be indispensable to others to feel worthy of love. Twos use their nurturing and helpfulness as a way to gain affection and avoid rejection.

• Key Social Style: Compliance is rooted in meeting others’ needs, driven by a desire for connection and love, believing that this will secure their place in relationships.

Type 6: The Loyalist

Type 6 expresses compliance by seeking security through loyalty and aligning with trusted authorities or groups. Sixes move toward people by forming alliances, seeking guidance, and following rules that they believe will keep them safe. Their compliant style is fuelled by anxiety about uncertainty, so they look to external sources of stability, either through devotion to others or by adhering to structures that promise security.

• Key Social Style: Compliance shows up in their loyalty to others, rules, or beliefs, driven by a need to feel supported and avoid the fear of instability.

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Withdrawn Types (4, 5, 9) – Moving Away from People

These types manage stress by withdrawing from external demands, seeking safety or fulfilment in their inner world. They move away from people to avoid overwhelming interactions, emotional stress, or conflict.

Type 4: The Individualist

Type 4’s withdrawn style as a strategy to protect their deep sense of self. Fours withdraw emotionally to reflect on their identity, often feeling different from others. They move away from the world when they feel misunderstood or disconnected, retreating into their inner life to explore their feelings. Their withdrawal is a way of preserving their uniqueness and avoiding being engulfed by others’ expectations.

• Key Social Style: Withdrawal is emotional, focused on retreating into the self to explore and express their individuality, seeking to avoid feeling misunderstood or emotionally overwhelmed.

Type 5: The Investigator

Type 5 exemplifies Horney’s withdrawn style by retreating into intellectual detachment and self-sufficiency. Fives move away from people to conserve energy and protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Their strategy is to retreat into their minds, accumulating knowledge while maintaining a safe distance from the emotional demands of others. Withdrawal for Fives is about creating boundaries and maintaining autonomy.

• Key Social Style: Withdrawal is intellectual and physical, driven by a need to protect themselves from overwhelm, believing they can only maintain control by limiting engagement with others.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Type 9’s withdrawn style is expressed through a tendency to avoid conflict and emotional intensity. Nines move away from people by numbing themselves or disengaging from challenging situations. Their withdrawal helps them maintain inner peace, but it also leads to a disconnection from their own desires and priorities. Nines often merge with others to avoid disruption, quietly withdrawing from their own sense of self.

• Key Social Style: Withdrawal is passive, aimed at avoiding conflict and maintaining harmony, driven by a desire to keep the peace at the expense of their own voice and needs.

In the context of Internal Family Systems (IFS), controlling and managing parts are specific types of internal roles that seek to handle and direct our experiences and interactions. They often emerge in response to challenges or stressors, aiming to maintain stability and achieve goals.

In (IFS) therapy, managers are like the part of you that takes charge of your daily life, trying to keep things running smoothly and prevent problems. Imagine you’re the boss of a busy office; your managers are like the staff who handle different tasks to make sure everything stays on track. For example, if you’re worried about a big presentation, a manager part might push you to prepare thoroughly and avoid any mistakes, even if it means you might miss out on some fun activities. Their goal is to keep you safe and successful by managing situations proactively.

Imagine that a teacher at school was particularly strict and, one day, you received a harsh comment from this teacher. You felt quite embarrassed by it and said to yourself “I will never allow anyone to have that judgement of me”. Whenever the behaviour of a part of you is motivated by a “I will never do/act/go through this again”, we are in the presence of a Manager part.

Sometimes managers become burdened, and fall into more extreme roles. Where this is the case, its usually related to experiences in the past that have not been fully digested, and managing parts are doing everything they can to prevent us from re-experiencing those old feelings.

Healthy vs unhealthy expressions

Healthy Managers

• Role: Healthy managers perform their protective role without overwhelming other parts of the system. They guide and manage daily life tasks, decision-making, and interactions in a balanced way.
• Function: Their goal is to prevent harm and ensure safety, but they do so without rigid control. They help you plan, organise, and maintain relationships or achievements without creating excessive pressure or anxiety.
• Flexibility: These managers allow spontaneity, creativity, and emotional fluidity when it’s safe. They understand when to step back and let other parts (like joy, curiosity, or openness) take the lead.
• Connection to Self: Healthy managers are more aligned with the Self, meaning they allow the qualities of calm, clarity, and compassion to guide their actions. They don’t dominate but work in harmony with other parts, ensuring you can adapt to various situations.

Burdened Managers

• Role: Burdened managers are parts that have taken on extreme roles in response to trauma or difficult experiences. They are overworked and hypervigilant, constantly trying to prevent overwhelming emotions or traumatisation.
• Function: Their goal is to avoid danger and emotional pain at all costs, often leading to rigid, controlling behaviours. These managers can stifle spontaneity, creativity, or emotional vulnerability, believing those traits may lead to harm or rejection.
• Inflexibility: Burdened managers tend to apply their protective strategies even when they are not needed. They may overreact to relatively minor stressors, causing unnecessary anxiety, avoidance, or perfectionism.
• Disconnection from Self: Burdened managers are disconnected from the Self’s healing qualities. They often act out of fear, distrust, or a belief that they are the only protection you have. They suppress or exile other parts of you, especially emotions that they deem too painful or dangerous to handle.

In Summary:

• Healthy managers allow for balance and adaptability, acting as protectors without suffocating other parts of the system.
• Burdened managers take on extreme, rigid roles, trying to prevent re-experiencing trauma or pain, which can limit emotional expression and spontaneity. Their burden is the excessive responsibility they carry to avoid overwhelming situations at any cost.

In IFS, the goal is to help burdened managers release their burdens so they can return to a healthier, more flexible protective role aligned with the Self. When controlling and managing parts are in balance, life looks organised yet flexible, structured yet open to new possibilities.

The Enneagram and the Nine Manager Types

1. The Perfectionist Manager

What They Do: This part strives for order, correctness, and improvement. It imposes strict standards and can become critical when things don’t measure up. It believes that by controlling behaviour and maintaining high standards, chaos can be avoided.

What They’re Afraid Of: Making mistakes or allowing imperfections to surface. They fear that if things aren’t perfect, they’ll lose control, and disaster will follow.

What They Want: To ensure everything is done “right” to create a sense of safety and predictability. They want to believe that by perfecting themselves and their environment, they will avoid criticism and gain respect.

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2. The Helper Manager

What They Do: This part manages through nurturing others and meeting their needs, believing that controlling relationships is the best way to ensure love and connection. It might make you overextend yourself in service of others, neglecting your own needs.

What They’re Afraid Of: Rejection or abandonment. They fear that if they don’t help, they won’t be loved or appreciated, and they’ll be left alone.

What They Want: To maintain connection through generosity. Their control strategy is rooted in the belief that if they give enough, they’ll always be needed and valued.

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3. The Achiever Manager

What They Do: This part manages through striving for success, constantly pushing toward goals and accomplishments. It believes that by achieving, it can control how others see you and keep the sense of worth intact.

What They’re Afraid Of: Failure or being seen as worthless. They fear that if they don’t achieve, they’ll lose respect and be deemed unworthy of love or attention.

What They Want: To gain validation and approval through accomplishment. Their need for control comes from a desire to be admired and to ensure they maintain their self-worth through external success.

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4. The Individualist Manager

What They Do: This part controls by emphasising uniqueness and emotional depth. It manages your internal world by amplifying emotions, seeking authenticity, and often focusing on what’s missing or what could be more meaningful.

What They’re Afraid Of: Being ordinary or emotionally disconnected. They fear losing their sense of specialness or being seen as shallow and irrelevant.

What They Want: To feel deeply and be understood for their individuality. Their control strategy is to ensure that they are seen as unique and significant by maintaining emotional intensity and depth.

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5. The Investigator Manager

What They Do: This part manages by gathering knowledge and understanding systems. It believes that control is best maintained through competence and preparation, often withdrawing from emotional engagement to focus on acquiring information.

What They’re Afraid Of: Feeling overwhelmed or inadequate. They fear that without enough knowledge, they’ll be exposed or powerless in the face of uncertainty.

What They Want: To feel safe and in control through knowing and understanding. Their need for control stems from a desire to be prepared for any situation, guarding against vulnerability.

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6. The Loyalist Manager

What They Do: This part manages by anticipating risks and preparing for worst-case scenarios. It often seeks support from external authorities and maintains control by staying hypervigilant, scanning for potential threats.

What They’re Afraid Of: Being unsupported or betrayed. They fear being left alone to deal with danger and uncertainty without adequate resources.

What They Want: To feel secure and find safety in loyalty and predictability. Their control strategy is to anticipate all possible risks and to ensure they are always prepared for whatever might go wrong.

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7. The Enthusiast Manager

What They Do: This part manages by staying positive, busy, and avoiding emotional pain. It controls through constant activity, planning, and seeking new, stimulating experiences to avoid feelings of boredom or discomfort.

What They’re Afraid Of: Being trapped in pain, discomfort, or limitation. They fear that if they slow down, they’ll be forced to face unpleasant emotions or experiences.

What They Want: To feel free and maintain a sense of excitement and possibility. Their control strategy is to avoid being tied down to anything that could be painful or limiting by always looking for the next exciting thing.

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8. The Challenger Manager

What They Do: This part manages by asserting control over situations and people, often taking a tough, no-nonsense approach. It believes that strength and dominance are the best ways to avoid being controlled or harmed by others.

What They’re Afraid Of: Being vulnerable or controlled by others. They fear weakness, seeing it as an invitation for others to dominate or exploit them.

What They Want: To maintain power and autonomy. Their control strategy is to ensure they are always in charge, never at the mercy of someone else’s influence.

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9. The Peacemaker Manager

What They Do: This part manages by maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict. It controls by keeping things calm, smoothing over differences, and sometimes merging with others’ desires to avoid upsetting the balance.

What They’re Afraid Of: Conflict and disconnection. They fear that if they assert themselves, they’ll disrupt harmony and lose connection with others.

What They Want: To maintain inner and outer peace. Their control strategy is to ensure everything stays smooth and conflict-free, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or opinions.

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These internal managers, viewed through the lens of the Enneagram, offer unique ways to understand how our personality influences the way we control, avoid pain, or strive for safety. By exploring each of these strategies, we can begin to see the root fears and desires driving our behaviour and work toward greater self-awareness and balance. You can think of the Buddhist metaphor of clinging as a way of understanding manager parts. In essence, they are avoiding or desiring.

Julia Cameron’s book the sound of paper is a real gem if  you’re interested in giving your creative powers a little air time.  I think if  paper had an interest it would  be to draw more of  us out, especially the parts that are dying for a chance to say something without being censored.

If you are anything like me, you know what it means to censor yourself. I have done such a good job of it that in many instances I won’t write anything for fear of being face to face with yet another imperfect mess.  When I listen to the paper however,  it’s an entirely different story.  Paper simply doesn’t judge and what a refuge that is. If paper had anything to say about anything, I imagine it would be something like better out then in, which brings me to my point –  why I think journaling is an invaluable practice.

Here is my why. The same thought that disturbed me yesterday has space to be on the page today. In that simple act of writing it down a natural letting go can happen. All because I acknowledged what was there so that when I think it again which I am bound to do, the effect changes. It doesn’t disturb me in the same way it did and what a miracle that is. And if it is a pattern of thinking I stumble upon, the same principle applies. Given time I can relax my resistance to the pattern and in that a novel response to what was otherwise set can emerge.